im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
