Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
