drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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