Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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