Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize