The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
