she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
