just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Come on in and take your pants off
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