I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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