i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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