I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
