So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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