She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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