yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
