just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
