Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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