He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
