everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
