I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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