Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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