Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
