if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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