The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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