i don't like sucking hair
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
