are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Please, let me fuck your mom
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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