I didn't shave. On purpose
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you inspire me to be a worse person
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
