Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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