Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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