mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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