If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
