I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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