where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
