She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
