my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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