Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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