She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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