She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
