I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
