My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
