Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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