Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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