I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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