8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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