I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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