I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
