Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
