Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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