Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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