What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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