I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
