I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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