I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You need a sexual gate keeper
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
