i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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