chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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