i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize