I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
